A Blessing from me: Happy Birthday
QK,
Hi, remember me?
I remembered the last time you saw me was a year ago, when you were at that basketball field, and I walked straight passed you, but you didn’t notice. Remember I called your name? But you only nodded, no word, no gesture, just a simple nod.
This is the fourth year since we’ve broken up. Or should I say, separate? Remember, there was no word that indicates we broke up, it is just that we both know that is the ending. But why? Why when I looked at you, my heart still goes faster? Why? Why when I see you, I still want to hold you? Why? Why is that every time I see you, I would call your name automatically?
Nothing has changed after I left, and yet, everything is different. You are still yourself, but I, am not the one I used to be. In the days I’ve been apart from you, my eyes are the color of sadness, not the color of happiness. In the days I’ve been alone, I could only think about you.
You saw me smiled when we knew that we had to break up, didn’t you? Yes, I did smile. That is probably the saddest smile I’ve ever had, and also, the hardest smile. Do you know how much I want to stay with you, but I could only turn around? Do you know how much I want to feel the warmth of your hands, when all I could clasped, is the cold win? Do you know, how much you’ve hurt me, when I saw you with her? No, you don’t, because you never care, and you never would. You only noticed the smile on my face, and assume that I was happy with the ending. But the truth is, I was bleeding inside, when I gave you my best smile. You never would know, how much I loved you.
Do you remember your promises to me? Do you remember the time we spent together? Those wonderful, carefree days. Those are the best days I’ve ever had, and I felt the happiest then.
Do you remember the time we first met? Two strangers locked their eyes on each other, as if the time stopped. In the crowd we searched, and found each other. Two lost souls joining, and becoming one. Every day and everywhere, our shadows were to be seen. Every place and every time, we were together, as if one.
The first time you hold my hand, I slapped you. Now as I recalled that scene, I have to chuckle. The teacher was telling some kind of a joke, and the classes laughed. I looked at you as I laughed, and you, seizing that moment, hold my hand for a second. The next thing you know is a mark on your face. Though I’ve slapped you, do you know what impact it brought me when you hold me? Though it lasted just a second? I looked into the pool of black, and my heartbeat skipped a few. How much I loved you!
You are addicted to basketball, and every time I would go and watch you playing. Still had that memory when you fell and got blood all over your leg? I used my new-bought silk handkerchief to stop the bleeding. And you, returned me a blood-soaked disguised handkerchief, and told me that in that way, you would always be with me. How romantic you are!
I’ve torn the first and only love letter you gave me. But the words were lodged in my head, just like I still could tell you your phone number, though I no longer call you. That was the time when I got to know how sweet a guy could be. But you dared to write it, but dared not to give it to me personally. So shy, yet so open.
The rose you gave me, it was beautiful. It was the most beautiful I’ve seen in my entire life. a single red rose in its blossom, with forget-me-not and tiny white flowers surrounding it. But I, plucked out the petals, one by one, and blown it towards the sky. I could still imagine myself dancing in the flower-shower, the luckiest girl in the world.
Before I left, you gave me a bookmark. I thought it was just an ordinary bookmark, but I still kept it, for it was from you. Later under the sun that I discovered, you’ve written words on the backside! Those tiny little words that you wrote, so sweet, so lovely, so romantic, so touching. How much time it took a guy to do that? And how much a guy loved a girl that he would be willing to spend that much time to do it? Still remember the words? You said, no matter where I am, no matter how much time passed by, you, will still be there, waiting for me. You told me, “Remember, there will always be a boy in XX thinking about you.”
But now… time changed everything. Time took away all the happiness I once owned. Time took away the boy I loved the most, and time, took away the pure love we’ve had for each other. You are not the boy who still will think about me no matter where I am, but you are a boyfriend to another girl. You’ve broken your promises, but you gave me no apology.
Heart broken as I am, I lived on, with a wound that will never heal. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I want to, I could not forget you. I could not forget the first time I felt to be treasured, I could not forget the sweetness of first love, and I could not forget, the lover I once had.
Today is your birthday. Usually I would celebrate with you, but there are thousands of miles between us. I do not hate you because I cannot own you. I want you to be happy, I want you to enjoy life. So here I am, writing an article, wishing you a happy birthday, and a happy life.
I just want to tell you, no matter what happened, no matter how we’ve changed, you are still the one I think about, and you are still the one I loved the most. I’ve lost you, but I have the memory of the time we spent together, and I, will always treasured it. I thank you, for giving me such a wonderful time that I could always smile when I thought about it. I thank you, for teaching me how to love.
Happy birthday.
C.
P.S. I know that your birthday has passed, but I couldn't post it on time. I hope you will read it, and I believe you would.
